


Although, Now You Ask, Yes, It Did.

by paradoxofamask



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Birth, Childbirth, Comedy, Crack, Funny, Loki Angst, M/M, Meta, Mpreg, Oblivious Thor, Post Mpreg, Satire, Whump, graphic birth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradoxofamask/pseuds/paradoxofamask
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Otherwise known as "that story in which the phrase "given birth to a fandom" is taken literally" (sorrynotsorry).</p><p>"So...Sleipner?"<br/>"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!  The only thing I've GIVEN BIRTH TO is a fandom!"<br/>"...Did that hurt?"<br/>"METAPHORICALLY!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Although, Now You Ask, Yes, It Did.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just a satirical mpreg ficlet I wrote back in 2011 after being inspired by (and getting permission from, don't worry) [Treacle-Miner's](http://treacle-miner.deviantart.com/) hilarious artwork on deviantArt.
> 
> The relevant pieces can be found [here](http://treacle-miner.deviantart.com/art/VC-20-Not-Literally-257473698) and [here](http://treacle-miner.deviantart.com/art/VC-21-He-Knows-His-Subject-257744681). Go give them a bump in traffic, I promise it'll be worth your time!
> 
> I did post this on FF.net once upon a time, but I took it down when all the drama happened with deleting peoples' stories and whatnot and the site essentially went to shit. So since I recently got an AO3 account I decided to make some quick edits and give it another shot. Hopefully you all will get as much amusement from it as the previous readers seemed to!

“ _Why me??_ ” the man yelled, a sheen of sweat covering his pale face.  “I never asked for this!  I’ve done nothing deserving of the likes of this!”

“Aye, brother, I know and I am sorry, but please make this easier for yourself!”  The blond, bearded man who had responded left his position between the other’s splayed legs, reaching out to grasp the parturient god's hand. 

Loki Laufeyson moaned in agony as he was overtaken by another contraction, rolling to his side and curling in upon himself.  “Brother...” he gasped, pleading desperately.  “Thor...  Make it stop...”  The bright green eyes gazing imploringly up at Thor were made infinitely more brilliant by the tears welling within them. 

“Oh no,” Thor said.  “Don't turn those eyes upon me- those eyes earned you this distress!” 

“How _dare_ you,” Loki spat, suddenly enraged.  “This is your fault entirely!  _You_ are the bumbling oaf who got himself banished and proceeded to have a Midgardian film made about his own exploits, and now the abomination has premiered and those pathetic creatures think they know me just because you found that sickeningly pleasant mortal who is nothing like me-”

“-Brother, you must admit the resemblance was uncanny-”

“-and look where I am now because of it!”  Loki’s chest heaved from the combined exertion of his fury and the intolerable cramping pain that had again begun to roll through his lower half.

His long, thin fingers proceeded to bury themselves in his once carefully-styled hair, making an even bigger mess of the silky black locks.  “Ooh, Allfather, help me,” he moaned, tossing his head back against the famous red cape that Thor had earlier folded into a small bundle and placed beneath his head.  His own green cloak had been tossed aside to avoid being soiled; his lightweight, unrestricting maternity tunic removed and spread out on the ground beneath him instead. 

Thor tried to rub the expanse of his brother's swollen stomach in a soothing gesture, but instead earned a disgruntled kick from within.  Loki hissed, running his own hands over the abused flesh.  “It would seem that it favors you greatly,” Thor said, a bit petulantly, as he looked on. 

“Indeed,” Loki muttered.  “Unfortunately.  Why isn't this happening to _you_ , brother?  _You_ saved their homeland- _you_ have always earned the attentions of every fair Asgardian maiden. What is it about me that now merits-” his rant broke off with a gasp.  “It will be the death of me, this,” he panted through the beginnings of yet another contraction. 

Attempting to speak to his brother, Thor had already established, was a useless endeavor during the mercilessly cramping pains- even more so after the many, many hours that Loki had already endured.  So Thor waited patiently until the pain had peaked, allowing his thick fingers to be crushed with a pressure that might have broken a lesser Asgardian's bones. 

“Brother,” he began once Loki had gone limp, boneless after the release of so much tension.  He leaned forward to tuck a few sweat-soaked strands of hair behind Loki's ears, not paying much heed to the fact that the younger god had suddenly clutched his forearm in an iron grip.  He caressed his brother's cheek, wiping away the droplets of sweat that had beaded on his skin.  “I cannot help it that the Midgardians find such beauty in your form, or what results from th-” 

“SHUT _UP_ , THOR!”  Loki screamed, rolling again onto his back and spreading his legs wide, clearly far past the point of being shamed by the act.  His bony fingers released Thor in order to clasp tightly around the milky skin of his thighs, pulling them further apart as he wailed in pain and began bearing down.  Upon opening his eyes to see Thor still beside him, he paused only long enough to yell again.  “Shut up and _catch_ , you imbecile!  Move!” 

Thor beat a hasty retreat and returned to crouch between his brother's knees, only to freeze completely.  A choked-off noise escaped his throat as the color drained rapidly from his face.

“What is it?” Loki demanded from above, panic tingeing his strained voice.  “What's wrong?” 

His elder brother's blue eyes were impossibly wide, and the faint voice that escaped him sounded out of place coming from Asgard's future king.  “I- I can _see_ it…” 

“That _would_ be the idea, then, wouldn't it?” Loki hissed, and then grunted as he began pushing again.  His voice rose to an inhuman howl.  “Ai, Allfather, it _burns_!”

Without another word, the mighty Thor Odinson, Asgardian god of thunder, fainted. 

* * *

  **Some Hours Later**

* * *

“Look how big it is!  And so active!”  Loki raised his eyes to the ceiling, restraining the urge to groan in exasperation.  The man-mountain Volstagg had been cooing and babbling for near an hour already, and it was remarkably tiresome. 

“Aye,” Fandral agreed, Hogun hovering nearby and nodding his agreement as well.  “I cannot say I have ever heard of such rapid development.  And see how it is infatuated with him already.” 

In the hours after the birth, Loki had returned to Asgard with both his unconscious brother and his new progeny in tow.  Thanks to Heimdall, Frigga had met him at the Bifrost's gates, where he had been quickly escorted to his suites in order to recuperate from his ordeal in peace. 

Well, that had been the idea, anyway.

Instead, his private sanctum had been turned into a reception area that many high ranking members of the Asgardian court- including the Warriors Three, of course- had deemed appropriate to visit. 

Loki glanced down again at the bundle in his arms, noting how intently its eyes were focused upon him, and graced it with a rare, benevolent smile.  In apparent exchange for his attentions, he received a pleased shriek, tiny arms flailing helplessly. 

“You have created quite the fandom, Loki,” his mother said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.  “You ought to be proud.” 

“Indeed,” he murmured.  Perhaps this would be worth his suffering after all. 

* * *

**Some Weeks Later**

* * *

“Thor...”  Loki's voice was silky and dangerous. 

His brother looked up from where he had been polishing Mjolnir, his expression one of genuine puzzlement.  “Aye?” 

Loki stood before him, slender and willowy once more and garbed in the stiff, unforgiving ensemble he so favored.  “What do you know, _brother_ ,” the trickster god hissed, “about _this_?” 

His dark green cloak swept to the side as he raised his hand, revealing a crude leather-bound novel suspended disdainfully from between his pointer finger and thumb. 

The title of the book was _Norse Myths_. 

“Erm...”  Unfortunately, that particular tome looked much more familiar than Thor would have preferred, though he hadn't seen it in eons.  He rose, trying to figure out how to edge subtly toward the door without making it obvious what he was doing- 

“No you don't,” Loki snapped.  “Don't even think about trying to weasel out of this, you gormless halfwit.” 

Thor's hands went up in surrender, hoping to placate the seething god before him.  “Loki...”

Flipping the book open, Loki began reading the first page in that same icy tone.  “‘Dr. _Nord Nordiksson_ , _ekspert_ on Nordic mythology?’  _Really_ , Thor?”  He spun the book around, revealing the additional content- “Thor Odinson, age 10” had been carefully printed in a child's crude hand and then scratched out with a thin line that in no way obscured the underlying text.  A few notes, such as “not by him” and “ignore this” were additionally scrawled below, with helpful arrows pointing to Thor's signature. 

The god of thunder's face had paled, already fearing the retribution that would inevitably be coming his way, no doubt sooner than later.  “Loki, we were only children-”

“Yes!  Precisely!  I never played but harmless pranks on you, and you repay me by _going to_ _Midgard_ for the sole purpose of slandering my name in the histories of mortals?  Sleipnir and Fenrir, Thor?  At ten years old you were twisted enough to write fiction about me _giving birth_ to Father's eight-legged horse, and an enormous wolf?  The Midgardians _believe_ that now because of you!  _You_ are the entire reason-!” 

“Brother, think of the fandom,” Thor tried, desperately appealing to the side of his younger brother that his offspring so often brought out in him.  “Wasn't it worth it?” 

The fandom's absolute adoration of Loki was seemingly without end, completely accepting of his mercurial nature and sometimes sinister tendencies, and, since its birth, it had developed quite a reputation among the Asgardians for its ability to bring out his better-

“ _ENOUGH_ , THOR!”

...Perhaps another time, then.  Meanwhile, Thor reasoned, he should get around to finding a hiding place before Loki decided on an equitable punishment for his suffering.  Hopefully Heimdall would have some ideas- he had always been the best resource during the hide-and-seek games of their youth, and desperate times called for desperate measures... 

**Author's Note:**

> ....And today I learned that AO3 formatting (namely the page breaks) is literally the worst. Oh my god. I can't do it anymore. Every time I go back and make it look right in the editor it saves completely differently. I quit. Please forgive me.
> 
> Other than that, I write unbeta'd, so constructive criticism and comments are always appreciated! (alliteration say what?)


End file.
